What this is all about and how it got started.
Unbeknownst to a lot of people, I have been struggling with an eating disorder since I was 18. I hid it well, that’s why most did not know. There is a social stigma that you have to look a certain way when you have an eating disorder, i.e. skeletal. That was not me. To the world around me, I had it all. I was confident, “healthy”, put-together, alive. I was not “anorexic”.On the inside, there was a different story. To be honest, though I denied I had any sort of struggle up until earlier this year when I was checked into a Residential Treatment Center. What is an eating disorder you may ask? I wish I could tell you in one word, however, eating disorders come in SO MANY ways. Eating disorders are mental health disorders, however, they manifest themselves through the manipulation of food. Binge eating, binge/purge, anorexia, orthorexia, and so many more. I struggled with the latter two.
I cannot tell you the one specific reason or issue that drove me this way, because there wasn’t one. I like to believe that this was given to me to change me. I asked to be molded and challenged to become the person I was meant to be and this was how it was going to get me there. I cannot say this is how it is for everyone, this is my personal journey and my personal recovery. I would not wish a mental disorder on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I have witnessed things that have scared me to my core, I have been in torment and torture since I started recovery. I know now who/what is behind it all and I am here to share my story.
What got me to go to treatment if I was in complete denial? The one who has seen my full potential and my complete destruction. My best friend, my rock, my supporter and encourager, my husband Nate. Since I am a student I live my life in semesters. Fall semester of 2017 was the hardest, most challenging, most destructive semester for me. I held my standards on grades very high and I was able to pull through with all A’s except one A-. I graduated with Honors. What did that mean? It meant I lost everything in the process. So I was given an ultimatum, recovery or death. And by death, I mean literal death. My heart was failing, my brain was failing, my body was failing, and my soul was non-existent. Nate set up my admittance into treatment, because God knows I was nowhere near accepting that matter, and on January 3 we left our annual Bear Lake vacation to take me to the Treatment Center. I have been in treatment since then, it is August 13 today and yes I still am in treatment. I have gotten asked by many people whether I am still in school and I have not told the whole truth. I am still in the process of going to school but I took this year off and treatment is where I have been, forgive me for lying I just wasn’t ready to open up.
So this is it, the beginning of my story into Recovery. My hope is not to be pitied, or treated like I’m fragile or hurt. My hope is that my story will touch someone’s life, even if its just one person. My hope is that I will open up the real and raw truth behind eating disorders and to bring awareness to society, that E.D ( as I will be calling it from now on) is a power beyond comprehension. ED is not to be glamorized and neither is recovery. My hope is that you will follow along and perhaps you are one who struggles or know someone who struggles and there will be connections made. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of connection, and here I am, what better way to be vulnerable than to open myself up for the world to see. Eating disorders are way more prominent that we realize but its taboo to talk about. Writing this blog is not something I decided to do spur of the moment. This was a decision that was months in the process, through a lot of prayer and meditation and lots of encouragement from
others to get going. So I do not take this lightly, these are my personal thoughts and behind it, all is My Guide. I hope you can connect through my tears, my exhaustion, my
vulnerability, and my joyous moments. With love, Nik