8 months into recovery and I’m still here. This stuck miserable feeling that doesn’t go away. This cycle that never ends. ED only shows its face just enough to get me to squirm and writhe in agony and when I am ready to call in the cavalry it backs off. Why does it do that? That is the most frustrating feeling. I feel so close to complete recovery…until I don’t. Until I feel so far away that I can’t even imagine that I was ever close. I have learned coping skills, I have learned what my triggers are, which are undeniably everything at the moment, and I think I’ll be o
kay. I believe that I will be okay. Out of nowhere ED takes that good feeling and transforms the goodness into evil. That beautiful relationship that I thought I had, that thing that I never knew would trigger me and transforms it and turns it against me. I feel pushed into a downward spiral that never ends. This misery and darkness that overcomes me and leaves me for dead. I have seen and been there, you know, hell and back. I know who this is, I have seen the face of my dementor, not once or twice but countless agonizing times. I can understand why people choose not to recover because the pain of recovery gets to the point where it becomes so unbearable that the only breath left is just to say “I give up!” However, I CANNOT give up. I have come this far, I have seen what this beautiful world has to offer, I have seen what the spirit has to offer. I have come this far to know what life can be like! Yes, I know the tantalizing feeling of being so close where it is at your fingertips, recovery is within reach and then that stupid ED just rips it from right under you. When that happens I feel every bone breaking, skin tearing, agonizing experience that is both natural and unnatural. This doesn’t just want my body dead, it wants to kill my soul too. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I want recovery with every part of my being, my reflection does not. When it has had enough time tormenting me and my soul, it backs off. It thinks it has won, and rightfully so, it took my will to fight right along with it. This small insignificant thing, at this point it is not just about following my meal plan, it’s not just about talking with my therapist, it is so much bigger than that. It is a darkness that has disguised itself as light, this is the enemy of all enemies. It has power to call upon its legions to fight with it, I know because I have seen that power first hand.
This was me, just this last week. Yet another fail, or is it? I don’t feel like I overcame, I only feel like ED backed off. I saw it back off. It allowed me to reach a point of exhaustion and then backed off until the next attack. Will I wait?! Will I do nothing, will you do nothing?! I know that ED has power, but there is a power that is much greater than that and I have seen that power too! It is the power of Light, the True Light. The One who is against the Ego, the Spirit, the Universe, the Higher Power, however you want to phrase it. You have a fighter who is more than willing to stand with you and for you.
So I guess to answer my own question, “is this recovery”, yes this is. The grit that we exhibit, the tenacity that we have, and the will to keep fighting. This is recovery. Real and raw, welcome to the journey and thank you for taking me along with you.