I am a fairly goofy person,
I’m not afraid to make a fool of myself. That’s how my husband likes to put it at least. You’ll have to excuse my husband though. He, unlike me, doesn’t like to make a fool of himself, but I made him join me this time.😜 When I’m not in my eating disorder, I am full of life and exuberant. I love singing and acting, that is probably one of my biggest passions. Not something that I will or can go for as a career because we all know the salary of thespians is not something you can live off of, especially with a family. However, that doesn’t stop me from having some fun with my family every now and then. This was a lip-sync to one of my favorite songs, actually my theme song for the moment. There is a darker story set to the same tune.
Several months ago when I first stepped down from residential treatment to partial hospitalization, I coined the motto for myself “whatever it takes”. I said that over and over, and honestly who was I kidding? Apparently, I was fooling everyone though. Everyone believed me, my ego/ed is a master at disguise. I wasn’t fooled though. I was lying through my teeth just to be done with treatment, “whatever it takes” I would say. If they wanted to hear that I was eating and not exercising if they wanted to hear that I was talking and exposing my triggers that’s what I would tell them! I did not expect recovery to be this hard. Maybe that was the problem, expectations. I had heard recovery and treatment would be hard but was I willing to do whatever it takes??
There were some days I was but mostly I wasn’t. Anyone in recovery knows that it takes constant work, every single moment is work and no wonder I would come home and just want to sleep because of the sheer exhaustion I would feel expelling every thought, or not talking to a single soul. Each and every day was a battle, a mental battle for my soul. Food was just the fuel, I needed that to power through a torrential thunderstorm that was constantly going on in my heart and mind.
Today I’m sitting in my car in a parking lot down the street from my house because I refuse to go home and face the shame I feel for my actions today, (I will write about that later). And as I go through this post and read what I wrote I am reminded of why I’m doing this. There is a soul in me that wants to live. That good beautiful thing that was created in me and then there’s the ego. Ego wants it all for himself. I have given ED/ego enough of my time and I refuse to let it have another moment. I need want to live MY life, not egos. So for today, right now I will choose to do whatever it takes. I know it will be something beautiful!