In my experience, the eating disorder thrives on secrecy. If you come to think of it, anything that has to do with the ego thrives on secrecy. Gossip, Pride, Hatred. One of the reasons I am writing this blog is because I want to EXPOSE the ED for what it is and not allow it any more places to hide in my life. The tricky thing is, once ED is exposed in one area it will turn to a new area and hide there. It almost feels that if I am going to recover I have to become a master of my own mind. I have to predict where ED will come next and expose it the moment I see it. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. This is where lies come in.
I believe my entire life living in the Ego/ED has been like a rubber band ball.
The center is a hardball surrounded by many layers of rubber bands. Once the ball is big enough it has many uses. It can bounce back, it can be used to relieve stress, each rubberband can be removed and used for different purposes, some people even just buy the entire ball and have it sit there. The center represents a certain emotion: hate, resentment, bitterness, fear, depression, anxiety. Its all very real. However, it is covered by layers of this material that has so many “positive” uses for myself and others. Lies can be used the same way. We have a center of emotions that either we cannot define, don’t recognize, or cannot understand so we cover them up with the lies that make things easier for us. The lies we tell and do are not meant to hurt others but they, to us, seem helpful. “At least I don’t have to deal with this lie right now.” I will manipulate my way around it and disguise it as a material that others can utilize.
Heres why I lie: I lie when I feel like I’m being put in a corner, I lie when I know they will believe me, I lie when I’m afraid of the consequences, I lie when I want to get out of responsibility, I lie when I’m around food I don’t like. Parties, dinners, get-togethers I would do my best to avoid at all costs. I lie when friends ask how I’m doing, I lie to my family, and most importantly I lie to myself. I tell myself I’m not worthy, I’m not hungry or tired, I’m not good enough, I’m not worth the trouble or burden I put on others. While my mouth speaks peace, Nikole is locked in a dungeon surrounded by guards, screaming
at the top of her lungs for help, while there is a party going on upstairs with dancing, music, joy and no one can hear her.
The idea that my thoughts, feelings and emotions matter is so foreign to me. I want to believe what others say and see but ED has me trapped. I have become a creature of habit and ED likes it that way. Well, I’m here to say that this is stopping, right now. I have wasted too many of my precious moments believing the lies I have been telling myself, or should I say that ED has been telling me. I am no longer a slave to his words. I will no longer allow myself to be in bondage to a depressing, undeserving, life-sucking entity. I will do my part to break the chains. I will be honest, and I will stumble and fall but I will pick myself up again. In my experience the only way that I have found that works is forgiveness. When we start with forgiveness we allow the little beam of light to hit the spot that ED hates so much. Maybe today it starts with a though, maybe today you are honest in just one area but those little things turn out to be bigger things. You know when a relationship is broken, its always the little things that made the big difference. Well today you are ending a relationship, on purpose, by doing the little things. Just one beam of light on the dark spots that we have hidden so well for so long. Today it might be just a thought of forgiveness, and it maybe just thoughts for a long time. Maybe its just a thought of a desire to forgive, and even those are beams of light penetrating into the darkness that has us hidden from the light that is within and the light that is outside of us. Tomorrow, or maybe a year from now, (time does not matter because time does not exists in the world of forgiveness) you will be able to follow through with your action of your thought of your desire. As my dietitian says, Keep at it, and you will see miracles. That’s a promise!